Malaysian Lampoon: Jalan Riong

(The Boss) New Year, New Beginning

2007-02-04T00:23:00.000+08:00

I never thought I'll restart this damn thing, what with RR leaving JalanRiong. Who is going to write this blog? Me?

But it's a new year and a new beginning. I am beginning to miss my frequent columns and editorials. These days it's more hands-off. In fact, eh, who is in charge now?

The plan to ambush JO and RB is underway. I would loved to have turned up in court, but the damn lawyers said "No".

No?

I'm paying your filthy fees, Mr big-shot-lawyer.

Anyway I told Mr big-shot lawyer, his runny-nose son and their guy who writes and signs on my behalf that they had better not lose my case. All hell will flood like Johor and it's their Singapore's fault.

They did a f***job last week. First we didn't get an injunction for RB, now we have to cease and desist too for JO?

Didn't I say, fix the judges? Where do you think this is, Mr big-shot-lawyer - Old Bailey?

Ooohhh. Big Boss called. Tonight we get to vote on which Ministers to chuck. Oh joy. He said there will be the durians-in-a-boat treat again. Oh double joy!

Soon Tun's men will live the sad poverty-stricken life of a non-Minister.

As I said. New Year, new beginning.

Note to self:-

1. Investigate Bloggers United.
2. Investigate WalkWithUs.
3. Buy mangosteens.

Finale: The New Desk Choir (Thursday, 23 Dec)

2004-12-23T14:57:00.000+08:00

On the tenth day of Christmas
my Chief Boss sent to me
Ten steps to firing
Nine MPs dancing,
Eight plots a-brewing,
Seven rumours blooming,
Six pics of Khairy,
Five UMNO links,
Four calls from Delhi,
Three blogs to maki,
Two speech rewrites,
And assignment in UAE.

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my Chief Boss sent to me
Eleven rookies sweating,
Ten steps to firing,
Nine MPs dancing,
Eight plots a-brewing,
Seven rumours blooming,
Six pics of Khairy,
Five UMNO links,
Four calls from Delhi,
Three blogs to maki,
Two speech rewrites,
And assignment in UAE.

On the twelfth day of Christmas
my Chief Boss sent to me
Twelve rules of writing,
Eleven rookies sweating,
Ten steps to firing,
Nine MPs dancing,
Eight plots a-brewing,
Seven rumours blooming,
Six pics of Khairy,
Five UMNO links,
Four calls from Delhi,
Three blogs to maki,
Two speech rewrites,
And assignment in UAE.

********************************

(Tiny Tim from Loading sez, "God Bless Us, Everyone!")

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A JOLLY NEW YEAR!

The News Desk Choir (Tuesday, 21 Dec)

2004-12-21T15:15:00.000+08:00

(On the Seventh, Eighth and Ninth Day of Christmas...)

On the seventh day of Christmas
my Chief Boss sent to me
Seven rumours blooming,
Six pics of Khairy,
Five UMNO links,
Four calls from Delhi,
Three blogs to maki,
Two speech rewrites,
And assignment in UAE.

On the eighth day of Christmas
my Chief Boss sent to me
Eight plots a-brewing,
Seven rumours blooming,
Six pics of Khairy,
Five UMNO links,
Four calls from Delhi,
Three blogs to maki,
Two speech rewrites,
And assignment in UAE.

On the ninth day of Christmas
my Chief Boss sent to me
Nine MPs dancing,
Eight plots a-brewing,
Seven rumours blooming,
Six pics of Khairy,
Five UMNO links,
Four calls from Delhi,
Three blogs to maki,
Two speech rewrites,
And assignment in UAE.

(to be continued...)

The News Desk Choir (Monday, 20 Dec)

2004-12-20T16:30:00.000+08:00

(On the Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Day of Christmas...)

On the fourth day of Christmas
my Chief Boss sent to me
Four calls from Delhi,
Three blogs to maki,
Two speech rewrites,
And assignment in UAE.

On the fifth day of Christmas
my Chief Boss sent to me
F-i-v-e UM-NO links ....
Four calls from Delhi,
Three blogs to maki,
Two speech rewrites,
And assignment in UAE.

On the sixth day of Christmas
my Chief Boss sent to me
Six pics of Khairy
Five UMNO links,
Four calls from Delhi,
Three blogs to maki,
Two speech rewrites,
And assignment in UAE.

(to be continued)

The News Desk Choir (Friday, 17 Dec)

2004-12-17T14:55:00.000+08:00

On the first day of Christmas,
The Chief Boss sent to me
Assignment in UAE...

On the second day of Christmas,
my Chief Boss sent to me
Two speech rewrites,
And assignment in UAE.

On the third day of Christmas,
my Chief Boss sent to me
Three blogs to maki,
Two speech rewrites,
And assignment in UAE.

(to be continued)

The Boss (Wednesday, 15 Dec)

2004-12-15T11:00:00.000+08:00

The massage was good last night. It's been a while since I had someone pummel my back. Then this Chinese fella can 'realign'-ed some more.

"Mercedes-Benz also must realign one. Balance-lah," he said.

Tried to do a deal with this doctor. One feature article on him for one-year's worth of massages and realigning. No can do ... cash, cash... he said, glaring at me. I thought I could feel my back twitching, so I paid up immediately. Bloody stingy fella #$$%^#$%

So a New Me walked into the office this morning. Beamed at everyone and then sent rookie to check out the Cabinet meeting today. The rookie has been instructed to see who would wince if he mentioned he was from NST. Then we'll know who's behind Kelab Maya Umno's attack. It is time for new additions and new rules to my hate-list.

But pray tell, who on earth would be so mean? If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you out-scoop me, do I not scream? If you don't reply to my SMS immediately, do I not weep? I have feelings too, you know. All I want is to be loved like that Malaysian Idol girl.

Speaking of which, KTK ain't feeling the lurve these days. Hehe... Yah, "Let's Stop This Rot" (Headline). See RR ... English need not be verbose.

Note to self:
(1) Talk to Big Boss. Convince him KMU is another branch of KMM and they all use handphones.
(2) Redo hate-list. Numero uno crime is not replying to my text messages. Rude bastards.

The Boss (Tuesday, 14 Dec)

2004-12-14T14:50:00.000+08:00

They say that your back will hurt if people are out there to 'pukau' you.

My back has been hurting like hell since the weekend. Feels like someone landed a sledgehammer on my neck. I curse that 6-footer Mat Salleh who thought he was so cool at the club, flailing his tentacles, and hit me on the head instead. A-hole.

White men can't dance.

But I'm getting a little paranoid. RI, who still can't make a decent cuppa, told me this story of pukau-this, pukau-that. Seems that that Anwar fella also kena pukau. That's why they didn't want to send him to Munich.

Then there was a buzz on the news floor a few days ago. Some rookie decided to surf into Kelab Maya Umno found an online poll on whether I should be replaced.

83% said yes. @#$$%^#$^%&

There was also an article accompanying the poll, "Don't let Jalan Riong sully the PM's image".

Nasty nasty internet. And you wonder why we decent, hard-working news people want to take these online bloggers, commentators, fako-journo down.

Need a teh-tarik and panadol .... Time to figure out who is behind this ...

Note to self:-
(1) Text RI - bungkus satu teh tarik kurang manis.
(2) Text NO - charge these KMU fellas
(3) Memo to Secretary - Make appointment with Dr. J for massage; Dr. HD for anti-pukau treatment

The Boss (Thursday, 09 Dec)

2004-12-09T13:25:00.000+08:00

Tis' the season to be jolly. Not for me though.

Spent days consoling SMN. We broke the news on the 'real' deal. But the one-who-cannot-be-named arm-twisted Big Boss. Kena-la we all. So balding-museum-aficionado won. End of story.

Spent another day consoling KJ. He tried to bring down NA a notch or two but the wily old man had a few tricks up his sleeves. Now have to pretend that nothing happened. I gently advised him to say "I'd been misquoted" repeated....

Santarina aka the Secretary dumped a bag full of letters complaining why we mix local and foreign news together. We don't want to publish all that icky local news ... so, cannot-ah?

Don't they know our national feel-good policy? We aren't going to hype on Anwar, robberies, murders, police brutality, poverty, corruption and why half the states are in the red. Once our readers see how hell has broken loose out there, they will feel grateful.

Note to self:-
(1) Memo to Secretary - redirect letters to RR. Let him correct their English.
(2) Buy dinner for SMN
(3) Check contacts in JP - what else is AI doing in Jakarta?

Note from Site Administrator

2004-11-09T15:01:00.000+08:00

Dear Readers,
Jalan Riong returns in December!
web administrator

The Boss (Thursday, 4 November)

2004-11-04T17:40:00.000+08:00

We're all Bush-ed out. Some had to be Kerry-ed out for over-celebrating at the buka puasa buffet table.

Still, it was the lesser of two evils, even though one should never trust a man with who takes his small yappy dog campaigning. If JK had won, we would have to talk of inane things like human rights, press freedom etc. in our next visit to DC. Serves the man-whose-name-we-cannot-mention right for shooting his mouth. Thank heavens AAB didn't say anything stupid before and my dear KJ gave a middle-of-the-road response to some silly blogger.

Now to brighter and more important things... Boss PM liked the song very much. After all, it was from his favourite movie. Said I had talent like TM who used to write patriotic songs for RTM. Maybe I can do that in my spare time...

As for those who answered incorrectly in last week's quiz, tsk...tsk... your masks have been ripped off. I knew there were some Anwaristas lurking around, but never thought there were so many of them. Your time is up!

One more hour to tea-time!

The Boss (Saturday, 30 Oct)

2004-10-30T16:07:00.000+08:00

Beautiful day ... rain to wash away the haze. A glorious day for our great leader awaits. While waiting for my hand-delivered invite for buka puasa, I had time to pen some lyrics for the Pak Boss....

(To the tune of 'My Favourite Things')

Raindrops in KL, no questions at PCs
Thanks to my KJ who ticks off the noseys
Samy whose future is tied up with strings
These are a few of my favourite things

Cream coloured bubur and warm ayam rendang
Buka puasa together with the rakyat
While Najib is busy with Thailand’s Thaksin
These are a few of my favourite things

(chorus)
When T.I. strikes
When critics sting
When I’m feeling s-a-d
I simply remember my favourite things
And den I don’t f-e-e-l
Sooooooo baaad…..

Puteri in pink and the Youths in their songkoks
The media’s campaign against those nasty blogs
Billboards that fill our landscapes with dacings
These are a few of my favourite things

(chorus)
When Anwar strikes
When Dr. M stings
When I’m feeling s-a-d
I simply remember my favourite things
And den I don’t f-e-e-l
Sooooooo baaad…..

When oil prices rise
When no FDI stinks
When I’m feeling s-a-d
I simply introduce that GST thing
And den I don’t f-e-e-l
Sooooooo baaad…..

Oh... Note to self:
(1) Send reporters to KLIA roadblocks. Arrest them all!

The Boss (Saturday, 30 Oct)

2004-10-30T14:32:00.000+08:00

I see simpering Star is trying to steal our thunder. Favourite things?? Do we care?
If I had a blog, I would put the following contest for the PM instead.

All correct answers get to be division chiefs. Any incorrect answer will be marched to cold storage. All IP addresses logged and tracked down with the help of MIMOS.

(Drumroll.....)

(1) My preferred Deputy President is:-

(a) Anwar Ibrahim
(b) Khairy Jamaluddin
(c) Rafidah Aziz
(d) Muhyudin Yassin

(2) My favourite UMNO Vice-President is:-

(a) Mohd. Ali Rustam
(b) Muhyudin Yassin
(c) Mohd. Isa Abdul Samad
(d) Mustapha Mohammed

(3) My favourite anti-corruption advisor is:-

(a) Muhammad Taib
(b) The two Adnans
(c) Samy Vellu
(d) Ahmad Zaki Zahid

(4) My favourite Malaysian company is:-

(a) Scomi
(b) ECM Libra
(c) TradeYear
(d) Scope

(5) My favourite candidate to head the Anti-Race Discrimination Council is:-

(a) Badruddin Amiruddin
(b) Khairy Jamaluddin
(c) Ibrahim Ali
(d) Abdul Aziz Sheikh Fadzir

(6) When faced with a mugger at Jalan Bukit Bintang, I can count on ______ to defend me:-

(a) Hishamuddin Hussein
(b) Karim Raslan
(c) Azalina Othman
(d) Pirdaus Ismail

(7) My favourite person to lead the Malaysia-US Friendship Society is:-

(a) Dr. Mahathir Mohammad
(b) Noh Omar
(c) Mahfuz Omar
(d) Omar Mustapha

(8) My favourite Opposition leader is:-

(a) Hadi Awang
(b) Tan Seng Giaw
(c) Wan Azizah Wan Ismail
(d) Harun Din

(9) My favourite English daily editor is:-

(a) Kalimullah Hassan
(b) Wong Chun Wai
(c) Khairy Jamaluddin
(d) Steven Gan

(10) My favourite mentor in ASEAN is:-

(a) Thaksin Shinawatra
(b) BG Lee S.L.
(c) Lt-Gen Soe Win
(d) BJ Habibie

The Boss (Wedneday, 27 Oct)

2004-10-27T16:27:00.000+08:00

What is Mkini up to these days? Showing off at Megamall? Mingling with the smelly masses? Trying to market themselves?

What do you mean new office??? I'd been trying to get a spot at Twin Towers but the man-whose-name-we-can't-mention refuses to ok it. Go to Bangi, they said. #$%%^&*&

Are they going to give bloggers a cubicle too?

Note to self:-
(1) Send spy to MM Burger King. Spending limitation RM 6.99 only (tax not included)

The Boss (Tuesday, 26 Oct)

2004-10-26T23:23:00.000+08:00

Another late late night. But at least the MT horse-trading is out of the way.

Boo.. Hiss... to all those sore losers who tried to whip up a hysteria about 'money politics'. Thank god we spun on Screenshots and made people forget what was going on. We'd fixed you proper now. Bye bye Mr Bow Tie & AK. That's for opening the gabber and not greasing palms.

Still a motley crew in there. Straw-headgear RY is still in there & so is that confounding SS. MT got his post from a lot of lobby from Man-whose-name-we-cannot-mention. Must make everyone happy it seems. If I were Boss, I would have gone on a slash-and-burn expedition. Cabinet reshuffle soon. Bye bye losers and also Mr. Landslide-is-act-of-g*d.

Still tons to worry about. Man-which-arsenic-didn't-kill is due back on Sunday. #$%%^& Couldn't he had ridden more camels for a month? That man is evil. Suppose to be triumphant day for Boss for surviving year 1, now *he's* going to come steal the limelight.

Now, where's my leftover nasi lemak?

note to self:-
(1) Text MT - congratulations (must make him happy sikit)
(2) Text KJ - what's this Boss' trip to Saudi about?
(3) Start notes on spin of Arsenic-man

Jalan Riong back in business

2004-10-26T15:37:00.000+08:00

Siaran 'Jalan Riong' akan disambungkan petang ini.

Terima kasih kepada semua yang telah menghantar emel, menyumbang sokongan dan sebagainya. Khasnya pelayar web yang masih 'drop in' di ML: JalanRiong

ps. oi ... siapa di haliburton yang suka ke blog ini?

J'ACCUSE: The ‘Jalan Riong’ Affair

2004-10-18T16:18:00.000+08:00

“Siaran ‘Jalan Riong’ tergendala … kerana orang yang tidak bersalah akan diheret ke mahkamah tidak lama lagi….”

This blog will be closed down until further notice.

Not because all good things must come to an end. Not because of illness and a broken heart. Not because this area’s streamyx seems to be perpetually in cyber-ICU.

It stops here because an innocent man, ‘Anwar’, has been made a scapegoat.

He will mostly likely go to jail due to the disgusting and preposterous state of affairs caused by the *real* Jalan Riong. Stopping this blog is our way of protesting this injustice.

We knew and liked Screenshots. Thus, we willingly took up arms in support Screenshots when it came under vile and despicable fire from Jalan Riong.

However, events of late have moved the compass elsewhere.

An unknown hospital lab technician - ‘Anwar’ – is now under attack from the government. What are bloggers going to do about this?

Should we now stand aside and allow the law to take its course because:-

(a) We didn’t agree with what ‘Anwar’ said;
(b) We don’t know who this ‘Anwar’ person is; and/or
(c) We don’t care about ‘Anwar’ because he’s not important and not a public figure.

Or can we once again rise to the occasion and by virtue of defending ‘Anwar’, defend our right to freedom of expression?

***********************

“…(L)a verite est en marche et rien ne l'arretera” (Truth is on the march and nothing can stop it) [Emile Zola, “J’accuse” in L'Aurore, 13 January 1898]

This is not the Dreyfuss Affair. We are not anywhere as eloquent as Emile Zola. But the following is a proposition:-

A small battle was won when it came to Screenshots. But the war against bloggers and freedom of expression still looms. The venue: Cyberspace. Number of casualties to date: One (‘Anwar’).

In the first place, there are too few freedoms left in Malaysia when it comes to writing, publishing and expression. We have all but lost the war on press freedom. We will never see the demise of the Printing Presses and Publications Act unless we have a change of government. So we are now left with this sad miniscule slice of ‘liberated’ zone which is under constant attacks from every conceivable force.

If the prosecution continues, and god forbids, succeeds in the case of ‘Anwar’, what we have before us is a precedent with enormous repercussions.

We would then have to fear what we say, how we say it and when we say it. With each stroke of the keyboard, we tremble in anticipation of the worst-case scenario. Everytime we push the ‘Send’ or ‘Submit’ button, we wonder if we had covered all bases.

This will spell the end of freedom of expression on the internet.

This will be the end to our right to privacy.

J’accuse Jalan Riong of shamelessly using its resources to launch a personal campaign to in order to vilify Screenshots.

J’accuse Jalan Riong of obscuring multiple truths in order to incite an sizeable and influential community to react adversely towards Screenshots.

J’accuse Jalan Riong of not having the common courtesy and decency of extending a public apology to Screenshots for the pain and suffering it has caused.

J’accuse Jalan Riong of complicity in finding a scapegoat and allowing the persecution of ‘Anwar’ to continue in order to cover their tracks and save ‘face’.

Finally, J’accuse Jalan Riong of attempting to dismantle a fundamental guarantee under the MSC Bill of Guarantees and to erode internet users’ freedom of expression, thought and opinion.

Malaysian Lampoon: JalanRiong.blogspot.com has been a satire in support of freedom of expression on the internet. We say, the only exception to this rule is where there are violence, threats of physical harm, death threats etc.

Each one of us can have our own list of issues or words that we disallow into our own sites. Moderated sites are common and there is a code of honour among bloggers. Some may say this, and others say that; whoever or whatever we dislike or disagree may face the wrath of the ‘delete’ button – this is our prerogative.

But we do not and cannot allow the government-of-the-day to regulate and dictate to us what to do and what to censor.

This choice is ours alone. This is what’s called freedom of expression.

Now the choice is yours.

Defend ‘Anwar’.
Defend freedom of expression and our privacy.

And defend at all costs.

Because ‘Anwar’s’ freedom is ours too.

***********************
Final note to self:
(1) Send bouquets and thank-you notes to all readers of this blog – via telepathy.

The Boss (Friday, 15 Oct)

2004-10-15T08:31:00.000+08:00

(8:30 am)

Haven't been well. To top this, streamyx died mysteriously and i have to resort to $%$%^& dialup.

Woke up too early. Nightmare.

There was a huge party going on full-swing, my mansion has miraculously turned into a Las Vegas joint. Even tourists were trooping in, paying entry charges. Many people were there including JH who flew in and RO who was trying to bring over some drinks. Even FN called and said surprise, surprise ... he was on his way back. RO decided he had had enough and wanted to go home and I had drive him to the train station to get a ticket.

On the way back, I picked up a cashmere cream scarf. Then my Nokia rang (it's still Rick!). It was JH who said a visitor was very pissed off with me because I wasn't at the mansion when he arrived thus he proceeded to show a CD of me to the party-goers and tourists. They had a good time laughing.

#$%$^&* I knew I shouldn't have gotten that videocam.

Ahh... Ramadan.... Should I consider forgiving that Jeff fella this holy month?

note to self:
(1) Cancel lunch whole week
(2) Collect CD
(3) Draft 'I forgive you' list.

The Boss (Tuesday, 12 Oct)

2004-10-12T11:54:00.000+08:00

(11:54 am)

MPI awards ... We win! We win! Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh ... Read & weep, Screenshots!

MH called. Operasi 'Slingshot'underway. The fella may have rendang gravy all over his face, but he's a dependable fella. Must buy him lunch again at Selangor Club.

note to self:
(1) Memo to self: Wish-list for tomorrow's Cabinet meeting
(2) Text MH - Lunch on Thursday?
(3) And oh ... where the hell is my blog?

*****************

(4:30 pm)

Bloody MCA. Glad KJ gave it to them in UM, though it would have been nice if we had done that interview. Must teach them a lesson. I even heard these people called AI after he was released and sent reps to his house and airport. What to expect from non-Oxbridge grads? How can Kampar compare to Oxfordshire?

Well done, boy - keep 'em on their toes.

note to self:
(1) Memo to Secretary: Buy Ridsect
(2) Fax Cabinet wish-list to KJ.

The Cockroach (Monday, 11 Oct 2004)

2004-10-11T19:15:00.000+08:00

(6:59 pm)

Oh glory g-l-o-r-y ....I spy with my many little eyes another feast in the bin tonight.

Every Monday, there's always an extra mountain of Xerox-ed paper. The size has shrunk considerably of late, but like clockwork, some two-legged geek hands out a few hundred sheets. And into the bin it goes.

Though none can compare the all week rave we had in mid-June. Double the size, triple the amount, tons of toner on paper as it had a large photo of two-legged. Whatever toner they're using, it's addictive.

Not bad for an illegal migrant from Madagascar.

Going to SMS the gang tonight -- party!

The Boss (Monday, 11 Oct)

2004-10-11T15:00:00.000+08:00

(2.00 pm)

Got a nice letter and a box of chocolates from A****. They were terribly pleased that Jeff fella got his come-uppance after that new contract debacle and censorship of LH's interview with AI .

Hope everyone saw my column. Quite pleased with myself. With a stroke of my Mont Blanc, I managed to flatter KJ, whack that Screenshots, rioting Anwaristas, and throw in May 13 for good measure. Damn, I'm good! Will photocopy it and make every staff member read as an example of good writing.

Bloody yankees. Why did they put PM's name on the report. Malaysiakini.com now having a field day - hope they really get it this time. That's what small fries get when they try to best the big boys. Maybe will write that for this week?

KLCI midday - down 4.65 points. #$%^&* What...what are you looking at...???

note to self:
(1) Memo to Secretary - Photocopy column
(2) Memo to HRD - Discuss reshuffling of Business desk
(3) Call broker - Buy or Sell??

The Boss (Friday 08 Oct)

2004-10-08T18:30:00.000+08:00

(5:27 pm)

Busy busy busy day. My Sunday column due tomorrow! Brain has been a total blank for 24 hours. Rick Astley is very mind-numbing....

Friday prayers, then lunch at Selangor Club again -- alone. Can't bear company today after the disastrous lunch with MH.

He said, "Boss, sorry lah, tapi very susah nak charge blogger itu. Tak ada solid evidence. Nanti itu Suhakam hentam kita lagi. I tak nak get into big mess over nothing." Then he helped himself to more beef rendang at the buffet. (Slob).

But he did tell me the chi-chi tea was fine. (Strike RI from hate-list). Must be damn maid.

This LKY fella again sabo' us. Said cannot increase electricity price without study. We want blue chips to soar, you git. Today's KLCI closed minus 3.08. *^$%%^^^

First he defends Jeff, now this. Wish I could stick him in palm oil instead ... with Meow. This SS fella also tak boleh pakai. He went and blah-blah to the press about some small article we wrote about the backbenchers. He must still be sore about not being VP.

And this Jeff fella already gloating ... sending 'thank you' notes to everyone. Let's see what I can work into my column for this weekend....

Weekend notes to self:
(1) Liquid-paper RI from hate list
(2) Ops Peras Minyak (aka LKY)
(3) Finalise web design of "Blog of Boss"; Take out big words.
(4) Memo to Secretary - Find Webster Pocket Thesaurus by tonight.
(5) Read Screenshots tonight.

****************
(6:00 pm)

Hmm. If looks could kill, would we then need VSS?

Just Paragraph 1 of my blog contains:-

edacious (scratch)
non-isocratic (scratch)
somnolent (scratch)
galimatias (scratch)
gallimaufry (scratch)

I feel like making HIM gali his own hole. Sorry, you ain't getting the weekend off with Miss Big Hair.

****************
(6:15 pm)

Headache. Going home.

The Boss (Thursday 07 Oct)

2004-10-07T11:15:00.000+08:00

(10:40am)

I can feel it. It's going to be a great morning. Haze or no haze. This Jeff fella hasn't put anything new on his site since 10 am yesterday. Running scared...?

As I rode into work, I couldn't get this tune out of my head that BP had sent to my Nokia 6670 last night.

"...If they ever get you down
There's always something I can do
Because I wouldn't ever wanna see you frown
I'll always do what's best for you ....

Together forever and never to part
Together forever we two
And don't you knowI would move heaven and earth
To be together forever with you ...."

Aah... so sweet!

Received SMS from RR about my blog project.

"Our peregrination into the cyber-congeries has begun. We shall prevail in this intercine war against the lubricious recidivist despite leaving my vade mecus behind. :-x RR"

Huh?? What the $%$%^^&! If you didn't go to Oxford, you are not allowed to use words more than 3 syllabii..

Note to self:
(1) Memo to Secretary - Buy "Best of Rick Astley"
(2) Write fax to Sultan **********: Datuk for BP
(3) Text MH - Lunch at Selangor Club

The Boss (Wednesday, 06 Oct)

2004-10-06T20:00:00.000+08:00

(12:15pm)

Cabinet meeting should be over by now. I hope KJ got my SMS about fixing that bloody LKY. This boy has talent. He did a good job with that pseudo-intellectual RY. Look where he is now ... dancing with those Orang Asli in mengkuang hats.

This LKY fella really got on my nerves. First, he ticked off the BH reporter in front of everyone. Luckily only Malaysiakini reported on it. Then he said this Jeff fella has been ..'fair'. FAIR??? Fair to whom? Did this Jeff fella even think about MY feelings when he put up pages after pages about me? And what does LKY know about the media? He was selling palm oil for donkey's years, for heaven's sakes. I had to order a spin -- just say this fella is a joker at press conferences.

Got this SMS today. "Read SCMP". Sorry ... but I'm not going to part with my ringgits just to read some Hong Kong paper.

Anyway, I'm now looking at today's BH. Masterful, I tell you -- just give these NGOs a mike and they'll sing like a bird. Losers.

I'm going have a cuppa and wait for my post-Cabinet call. What's this? Secretary not on her desk?! Where does she think she's going -- lunch?

note to self:
(1) Memo to Secretary: Last warning - Sit on desk until I say otherwise.
(2) Call RI - Make tea... kurang manis.
(3) Memo to BP, RR & Gang - Staff meeting, 4 pm.

**************

(7:30 pm)

I had a bit of a tummy ache this afternoon. Must be the meat and potatoes rendang the maid made for breakfast. That's it - out she goes and take that Meow with you.

The meeting started later than usual. I was a little emotional before that. Someone showed me this Sun fella's blog (another blog AGAIN? How many are there out there???) and said he wrote all those hurtful things like Awe&Shock; David vs Goliath; etc.

I wish I could be David...

Wasn't much of pow-wow in the war room. Figures came in ($%^&*#$%). Screenshot numbers still shooting up (@##$$%^). Someone mumbled about how hard it was to ignore all those bloody sore-loser fellas who keep talking about money politics during the assembly. I played with my magic8-ball keyring.

Then someone had a brilliant idea... why don't I start a 'bog' (or was it ... 'blog')?

Magic 8-ball said, "YES".

I told RR to look into this. Warned him that he can't use the Oxford Dictionary of Big Words for this assignment. I'm excited! I can put my last editorial for the world to see!

The Secretary was back on her desk earlier. Kononnya, her kid was sick and she'd left a note for me. She soon learnt that only I have the privilege of leaving notes for people - it's called 'The Boss' Memo'. She's not a bad sort, though I think she's still a DKL loyalist (bastard must be laughing at me now). So I made her send an SMS to AY to stop yakking about money politics. Well, she did get me my rat poison today and made excellent tea. RI's tea this morning nearly made me puke. "Special", she said, "from Ubud". Do I look as if I drink this chamomile-lemon balm-wild thyme herb #$%^& tea? You think I'm KR is it? Hmm... maybe it wasn't the meat and potatoes after all.

Funny ... no post-Cabinet call. It must have come in while I was at the gents.

KLCI down 0.02 points at 5:00pm. Business desk giving me funny looks...

note to self:
(1) Text KJ: Where does BG-L get his suits made?
(2) Call MJ's maid agency: need replacement.
(3) Have today's chi-chi tea analysed at Bukit Aman.
(4) Do not read Screenshots at home.

The Cat (Wednesday 06 Oct)

2004-10-06T01:59:00.000+08:00

(12:15 am)

The maid made a face when she put down the phone earlier this afternoon.

She said, sorry, but the orders came from the Boss. I was to go into the kitty carrier and wait for the good people of SPCA.

SPCA???

Didn't I smile at those strange men who kept trooping into the house last week? Didn't I forgo my nightly hunt and instead, played the part of the adoring 'cat-on-lap' routine while they rattled their glasses and exclaimed, "...Jeff Ooi!"? What more can a cat do to earn her keep?

When she was 5 feet away and approaching, I coughed up a formidable-sized furball and left her to clean up the mess. I did feel bad - she has been rather kind to me. I didn't want to be her one-way ticket back to Medan.

Since coming back late tonight, he'd taken over the chase. But I gave him a good run around the garden, even slowed down to even the odds. Expectedly:- Boss - 0; Meow - 1

I spied my supper nestled deep in the carrier. Hey, I'm not that dumb ... do I look like a d*g?

He resorted to making kissy-faces at me, cajoling me with unusual terms of endearment, "here sayang ... come here, Meow Meow..." Yawn.

And just last night I was .... " %^&*^*$%^@" ??

I'm a well-bred Siamese and we have delicate ears. So I made my protest in the form of my best Garbo impersonation. That displeased him further. I took my dead rat to the corner of the living room and let loose my claws. Then I put its head on top of his pajamas; its body next to the potatoes.

Garbo would have been proud.

Now it's time to cut my losses and head out to the open road. I hear there may be a vacancy at DZ's ...

The Boss (Tuesday, 05 Oct)

2004-10-05T13:50:00.000+08:00

(10:30 AM)
Malaysians are ingrates.

First, I had poured out my heart and soul in my last editorial. Still no mail to comfort me. Forced me to take the page and point out to people. Then only they respond.

Is there no love left in the world? Bloody Jeff Ooi is getting all the credit and sympathy cards when it's me that's been suffering. Me, me, ME!. Didn't they know how traumatised I was when this unknown blogger told the world our *real* circulation figures? How is the advertising department going to explain this?

Meow my cat is giving me the evil eye. She thinks I'd been too hard on Jeff. All I ask for is some tender loving care when I get home. It's bloody hard work, this spin business, but no ... Meow hisses at me, skulks off to the corner and plays with that damn dead rat.

Note to self:
(1) Text KJ. Ask pa-in-law to crush Jeff.
(2) Call SPCA. Time to trade in Meow.
(3) Memo to Secretary. Buy rat poison.

**************

(4:30 PM)

Woke up in a start from my afternoon nap. Dreamt Meow had developed a reading habit and was going through Screenshots on my computer. Damn cat. Will call SPCA again -- they have to take that cat away TODAY.

Will write congratulatory memo to BP for defending that May-13 book-waving Badaruddin. I like this BP fella -- defends Umno better than Umno fellas, not like those secret Anwaristas on the newsdesk. I'll recommend him for Datukship the next round.

Oh, another memo to the staff: No surfing to jeffooi.com or malaysiakini.com even after work hours -- or face the sack. Wonder if Noh can get our boys in blue to reinforce this....

Uh-oh -- KLCI down 5.4 points. I hope it's not because of me?!? Will ask Secretary to screen all calls for the rest of the day.

Note to self:
(1) Memo to BP - Congratulations.
(2) Memo to staff - Final Warning.
(3) Text Secretary: Fix appointment with Noh at Concorde at 2230; Screen all calls.
(4) Fax SPCA directions to house; Must pick up Meow before 1730.

**************

(6:30 pm)

Secretary just brought this in. Screenshots visitors have increased to more than 10,000 today! #$%^&#

This isn't right.... In the old days, these people should already be too scared to even mention the name, let alone read the bloody thing. Good old dependable Noh had said the magic word twice (or was it thrice) "ISA". Three scary frontpage stories in a row. Still these people have no fear... and no love. Must be those damn human rights groups and of course the Bar Council.

But this Jeff fella has been very quiet. I think he's plotting... It's a bit unnerving. Will go through photos of Oxfordshire to calm the jitters.

Called maid. Meow is still around!!

Note to self:

(1) Call BH - Check if they got more disparaging quotes. Finalise tomorrow's edition.
(2) Add human rights, legal and animal welfare groups on hate-list.
(3) Do not read Screenshots tonight.